One month before I turned 26 and 5 months into Colette Prime, I decided it was time to see a therapist. More specifically, I signed up for psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is just code for talk therapy. No drugs to be prescribed and no scary couches to be sat on where you discover you have loads of mental illnesses. It’s nothing like the movies! It’s actually very comforting and the people you talk to are extremely intelligent and there to help you, not to assure you that you are messed up.
So, why did I decide to invest in talking to someone? First of all, you don’t need a specific reason to see a therapist. If you’re human and you’ve left your house at least once in your life, you have experienced some sort of trauma, hurt, anxiety, insecurity, or pressure. I’ve mentioned this before, but I decided to turn my life around when I started this blog. I took a very hopeless and lonely feeling and turned it into the most positive thing in my life. Let’s take it back to the summer before Colette Prime. I was sobbing uncontrollably in my run down, moldy apartment on the floor. You know, the kind of crying where you can’t see out of your eyes anymore because they’re so puffy and you’ve given up on containing the deeply gruesome sounding howls coming from the empty pit inside your stomach. That’s the kind of sadness I’m talking about. I remember calling my sister Danielle and not being able to speak. She must have been terrified. I hate feeling out of control like that, but that was my lowest moment. I want to talk about this time in my life because maybe you’ve experienced that feeling before or you are going through that right now. In that moment, there’s something that changes inside of you. I can’t tell you when that awful feeling will go away, but I can tell you that it will go away. You just have to keep pushing and you have to keep living your life. You can’t give up. If you have to take off work and pause your life, that is fine. For me, I prefer to be busy rather than cooped up with my sad feelings all day. I did take lots of breaks at work that next week, but I did not give up. What I was going through, was an identity crisis, a broken heart, and a complete lack of fulfillment. My identity crisis was caused by the fact that I wasn’t happy. I didn’t recognize myself. I don’t mean my outward self, I mean my inside self. I had strayed from who I was and wanted to be and I had enough of living a lie. On top of that, I was dumped right at the peak of this feeling. It makes sense honestly. I wasn’t happy and that broke the relationship. My current job was a great job, but I felt empty and exhausted at the end of every day because it wasn’t the right fit for me. So, is my experience unique? No. Most people go through this in their 20’s. It’s called finding yourself and giving a damn. I remember watching an Amy Schumer stand up, where she talked about how invincible you feel in your early 20s and how that all comes crashing down when you get your heart broken. I was happy in love at the time and thought I was that special person that wouldn’t have to experience my life going to complete S**t. HA! “Oh no honey, you ain’t that special, you just wait” said my invisible guardian angel hanging out on my shoulder. Two years later, and just like Amy predicted, it happened to me. So, we aren’t unique if our life feels like it’s falling apart at some point. We are human and we are better off with this experience.
Now, back to right before I turn 26 and not too far into Colette Prime. I made a promise to myself on that day I described above. I promised I would do anything it took to be happy, get back to who I was, and to help others. That is why I started Colette Prime. I knew it would help women. It wasn’t because I wanted to be famous or rich or get free things. I don’t care about pretty things, pretty photos, living a perfect life. I care about women. So, in order to help others, I had to do a lot of work on myself. The worst part about being unhappy, is that you can’t help others. And you can’t just snap your fingers and be happy. You have to work really hard at it every day. I knew that therapy was going to help me help others faster. Of course, I could read self help books and listen to podcasts. But my biggest hurdles were not going to be fixed by a podcast or a book. I needed to tackle my problems head on by first admitting them, breaking down the walls of my insecure, hurt female brain, and then overcoming them.
I admit, I was very against therapy in the beginning. I would walk into that room with false preconceptions and withhold the truth. But as I continued the sessions, that changed. I became comfortable talking about myself and I was more open. I started to talk about things that I had tried to block out because it was too painful to remember. Then, I realized that by blocking out and ignoring certain things, the anger and pain from those things would come out in the worst possible ways. As a woman, we tend to sugar coat things and pretend like everything is okay when it’s not. It is definitely a strength, but it is also a weakness. Like most women, I had my walls up and I didn’t like to admit that I needed help. I didn’t want to think about the bad things because I was scared to. Thankfully, my therapist helped me learn that by talking about my bad experiences, I could overcome them. It’s when we ignore it that we can’t move on. Today, I am one full year into psychotherapy. I am happier than I’ve ever been before and one of those reasons is because I am willing to ask for help when I need it. I have less walls up and less outbursts. Everyone has their own journey. There is no right way to go about it. All I can say, is that if you are willing to admit you need help, I believe you will be happier. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are any less strong. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are a failure. Asking for help only means that you want to improve.
Just last week I decided to officially ask for help from a professional photographer. Up until now, I have taken my photos myself with a tripod. I learned so much because of this, but it’s time to take it to the next level. I can’t do it all forever. It’s not scalable! If I want to help thousands of women, I can’t spend 8 hours for one post anymore. I can spend 8 hours on 8 posts, and the rest of my time helping my followers. Did I get into multiple fights with my boyfriend over the fact that I needed to hire someone? Of course! I am still stubborn as hell sometimes when it comes to asking for outside help, but I am not that girl that I was a year and a half ago. I am stronger, happier, and healthier. And it’s all because I asked for help.
So, how do you go about finding a therapist? Google is one way and a referral is another. If you have any friends or family who see a therapist, their therapist can give you a list of other therapists that have availability. You can also find one through google. Luckily, a lot of companies’ insurance will cover psychotherapy! My accounting firm covered it! I pay out of pocket now, but there has been no better use of my money to date.