gold disco top/ jean shorts/ croc embossed cowgirl boots

The world wants you to be you, trust me. 99.9% of the time, it’s all in our heads that we can’t do something or be something.  We put so much pressure on ourselves, maybe because of family expectations, where we are from, where we went to school, who we know or what we know. For example, my family is a business family.  I associated success and a career with majoring in business and working in the corporate world, so what did I do? I majored in accounting and worked in corporate America as soon as I could get a real job. No one told me that I had to do this, but I told myself that I did. That’s one example of how we try and fit into a mold that we create for ourselves,  to make others happy and to receive love. I think we hold ourselves back a lot, without even realizing.  Of course, we all want to fit in, but sometimes that makes us feel like we have to be a certain way to be accepted, likable, or comfortable. The older I get, the more I realize just how much of my personality and true self that I’ve been holding back on.

To give you a little back story, I went to a southern college where football was everything. Every Saturday we would dress up in our little sundresses and cowgirl boots, sometimes as early as 7 am, just to get to the tailgate party. And I wouldn’t even make it to my 9 am classes some days… But, goodness, I could not miss a game! Everyone at the school, or so it seemed, was tailgating every Saturday of the fall. So, what did that mean? It meant that in order to feel like we were fitting in and had friends, all the girls got super dolled up and excited for football games, even we didn’t REALLY give a damn. I have nothing against football, but it’s not everything, is it? For 4 years straight, I screamed and hollered and drank beers and ate chicken wings and took shots and, well, fit in. The boys at the college ruled, I mean RULED, and in order to receive love from them, it felt like the girls had to be into sports, drinking, shots, and everything else that boys really love. Because of that, the women were more in competition with each other than actual friends. It was cut throat and very catty at times. And I like women. I actually need strong women relationships in my life to be happy. I was beyond ready to get out of that atmosphere when I graduated. You see, I am not into football and sports and beer. I like music and theater and dance and weird stuff. I like nerdy things too. (NOTE: I had a great time at college, the school is an incredible school, I met amazing people, and I am only sharing one side of the experience for the purpose of this blog). So, as you can imagine, I was excited to get into the real world and figure it out. I made sure to get a job in the most polar opposite city that I could think of: San Francisco. I got to San Francisco, and immediately fell in love with the feeling of freedom and the city. It was nothing like my hometown, and it felt like I could be anyone. But, I fell into some bad habits. I partied a lot, I drank a lot, and I made friends with people who did just that. Yes, we were young, so we should be able to have fun and party, but it wasn’t the real me.  I had escaped to my “dream” city all to be….not myself! I would stay up til 6 am sometimes on the weekends, party hop endlessly, chase the not worthy of chasing, live for the “excitement” on the weekend, and then come crashing down to an all time low every Monday. After 4 years of pretending to fit in with the fraternity boys, and then 2 years of chasing a fake world, I had ENOUGH. I was going to do everything to change my life and figure out who the heck I was, because I had been covering up who I really was for the last 6 years. It turns out that I’m very introverted, I prefer small groups, mostly one on ones, and could honestly not go out for the rest of my life and be happy. ME, the girl at the front row of every concert, the last to leave the club and party, was really an introverted, disco loving, hermit. How well do we know ourselves if we are constantly distracting ourselves? I remember getting texts from 40 different people on the weekends  and being in 10 different group chats that would go off all week long. Now, it’s extra special if I even get one text a week.

I started a blog because I felt passionate about helping women save money on clothes, and one creative thing led to another. I tried fashion, photography, talking to women, helping women, videography, and dancing. I wasn’t necessarily any good at all of those things, but I felt a lot better failing at them than doing what I was doing from ages 20-25. AND, these are all activities that I never would have tried if I had kept myself in that tiny box that I was keeping myself in before. If you don’t know what your passion is, join the club! Owning that you don’t know what you are passionate about and being open to changing what that is and trying new things, that’s where you want to be.

If I had continued to try to fit in with the wrong crowd and be someone that I’m not, who knows who or what I would become. I’d probably marry some below average guy who treats me poorly and forces me to cook every meal for him, including his all time favorite CHICKEN freaking pot pie, be depressed, and have one in my belly and one on my hip by now. Just kidding… You know I like the DRAAAAMA. In all seriousness, I definitely wouldn’t feel fulfilled or get to help you. And even more recently, I started posting dancing videos on my Instagram and it felt extremely uncomfortable at first. But I had an idea, and I tried it. I didn’t tell myself I couldn’t do it because I’m not really a model or really a dancer. And what’s so bad that could happen anyways? I’m being myself more and more and if people don’t like it, then they don’t like it! It’s such a small % of people who want you to feel bad about being yourself, that it’s not really even worth addressing. I’ve definitely noticed more opportunities coming my way since posting those runway dancing videos and being more myself. The right people will appreciate the real you! Being you pays off in the end, we just have to see the bigger picture and get over feeling WEIRD, or goodness forbid, ALONE. Yes, you will have to be a little lonely to find yourself. Fitting in with the crowd< loneliness. Choose loneliness, this, too, shall pass.

What are you hiding from the world? What are you really passionate about? You might be covering it up like I was by partying or hanging out with the wrong crowd. You might not even know what you are interested in, and that is perfectly okay. You have time and there is no quick fix on YOU. Try things, mess up, embarrass yourself, feel uncomfortable, and repeat.